praying

life, break in me whatever needs to be broken.
fix my hope of ever being fixed.
use me. draw every ounce of creativity out of me.
help me, live a radically unique life, forever forging a never-before-trodden path in the forest.
show me how to love more deeply than i ever thought possible.
whatever i am still turning away from, keep shoving in my face.
whatever i am still at war with, help me soften towards, relax into, fully embrace.
where my heart is still closed, show me a way to open it without violence.
where i am still holding on, help me let go.
give me challenges & struggles and seemingly insurmountable obstacles, if that will bring an even deeper humility and trust in the intelligence of life.
help me laugh at my own seriousness.
allow me to find the humour in the dark places.
show me a profound sense of rest in the midst of the storm.
don’t spare me from the truth.
ever.
let gratitude by my guide.
let forgiveness be my mantra.
let this moment be a constant companion.
let me see your face in every face.
let me feel your warm presence in my own presence.
hold me when i stumble.
breathe me when i cannot breathe.
let me die living, not live dying.
AMEN.
(by jeff foster)

darkness

I took a little journey to the unknown,
And I come back changed. I can feel it in my bones.
I fucked with forces that our eyes can’t see.
Now the darkness got a hold on me.
Oh, the darkness got a hold on me.

How long, baby, have I been away?
Oh, it feels like ages though you say it’s only days.
There ain’t language for the things I’ve seen.
And the truth is stranger than my own worst dreams.
The truth is stranger than all my dreams.
Oh, the darkness got a hold on me.

I have seen what the darkness does.
Say goodbye to who I was.
I ain’t never been away so long.
Don’t look back them days are gone.
Follow me into the endless night.
I can bring your fears to life.
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
Meet me in the woods tonight.

The truth is stranger than my own worst dreams.
Now the darkness got a hold on me.

I have seen what the darkness does.
Say goodbye to who I was.
I ain’t never been away so long.
Don’t look back them days are gone.
Follow me into the endless night.
I can bring your fears to life.
Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
Meet me in the woods tonight.

one more light

felt drawn to listen to this song for about 2 weeks now … and felt deeply touched by it …
… without having known (in my mind) or having imagined that one light here on earth close to my heart indeed went on, 2 and a half weeks ago.
(touching & scary also, that it took them more then 2 weeks to find us, his closest relatives … )

dear t., you & i always felt especially connected within our biological familiy,  for living a more colourful and less mainstream life than the rest.
shine on, from whereever you are right now. may you be well, happy & home.

until we’ll see each other again

good-bye … for this moment.

i promise to …
… love & embrace myself.
… live my life.
… take good care of myself.
… work through my issues.

i will be love. have courage. have faith.

for me & you & us & all.

<3

good-bye

trigger word.
good-bye.
instantly triggering pain, fear, feeling lost. abandoned.

i don’t need, or want, people, not even beloved ones, to stay, physically.
leave if you have to.
i will do so too.
come back when you want to.
be there & be away.
be whereever you need to be.
together. alone.
story of my life.
and it’s okay.
i am fine with it.
more, i need both of it.
it’s only moments.
life is all about moments.
and i can embrace each and every one of them.
i don’t need to know about the next moment
as long as i am present & aware with this one.

hearing, or reading, (your) good-bye makes it so … final. re-minds me.
of the moments to come.
nothing but illusion.

messages

… what i found today:

an empty nest, in a muddle of branches. a dreamcatcher, hanging in a tree. and, i finally saw the “eye” … la luna … a huge eye … so awesome.

nestandmuddle

dreamcatcherinthetree

our love, unable to be captured in words

LOVE’S DEEPER COMMITMENT

Let’s not commit to a future together. The future is so unknown, and we are so fluid, and tired of pretending that we know.

Our thoughts and feelings are ever-changing, uncontrollable, like a wild ocean of love.

Our desires wax and wane; our dreams are born and die in every moment.

Let’s not commit to a form of love. The forms are always shifting, like the tides.

We do not need security here. We are not seeking comfort, but Truth.

Let’s make a deeper commitment; one that cannot be broken or lost.

To presence. To meeting in the here-and-now.

To bringing all of ourselves. To knowing, and letting ourselves be known.

To telling the truth, today; knowing that our truth may change tomorrow.

To bowing before each other, even if our hearts are broken and tender.

No promises, no guarantees.

Loving takes courage! Yes!

For love is a field, not a form. Let us commit to the field, remember the field in every moment of our precious days on this Earth.

In ten years’ time, we may still be together. We may have children. We may live together, or live apart.

We may never see each other again. This may be our last day.

If we are honest, we really do not know; not knowing is our Home.

We may be friends, or lovers, or strangers, or family, or we may remain undefined, beyond narrative, our love unable to be captured in words.

Here at the edge of the known, on the line that once divided sanity from madness, and doubt from certainty, we play, we dance, we drink tea, we touch each other, we cry, we laugh, we meet.

We sacrifice comfort and predictability. But what we gain is astonishing: This tremendous sense of being alive. No longer numb to the mysteries of love, the mysteries of our bodies.

A little raw, perhaps. A little shaky. Maybe a little disoriented, but perhaps this is the price of being totally free.

Maybe an old part of us still seeks mommy or daddy, that Magic Person who will never leave, always be there, take away the loneliness repressed in our guts. Loving that frightened part too; bowing to that part too, but no longer being controlled by it.

And they will ask:
What about your future?
What happens if you have children?
How the hell do you define yourselves?
Why are you afraid of commitment?
Why do you run from security? Comfort? Future?

They will say you are crazy, or you don’t understand love, or you are lost, or you are unloving and selfish, and you will smile, and understand their fear, for their fear was once yours, and you cannot abandon your path now.

And nobody has to walk with you. Ever.

At some point, only Truth will satisfy. A living Truth, renewing itself each and every moment, the wild Truth of the open heart.

When Love and Truth are One, when the Commitment is deeply rooted in the breath, we can finally face each other without resentment, and explode into the most melancholy sunsets, held in the most profound joy.

Walking alone, together, alone.

– Jeff Foster

signs & messages

am 1.1.

gaian_tarot_free_reading_-_2017-01-01_13-11

“es ist egal, ob der wind dreht;
es sind die gesetzten segel, die uns sagen, wo es hin geht”

“der mächtigste gedanke wird im herz gedacht”

“das leben ist wie ein reissender fluss
der mich weitertreibt, der nie stehen bleibt.
und erreich ich ein ufer,
komm ich doch nur zum schluss,
dass ich weiter gehen muss.”

2.1.

gaian_tarot_free_reading_-_2017-01-02_16-23

wonderland

somewhere in the neverland between the endings and the new beginnings we took the wrong(?) turn and fell … again. [everything keeps coming back to me until i’ll finally learn (what???)] … rabbit hole … wonderland … oh yes, baby, we found wonderland …

now, slowly stepping into the energy of new beginnings, step by step finding back to my light … and again … i’d better go and travel the world and the seven seas, like alice did, for quite a while … trying to let go of MY “romantic” ideas going on learning & growing, never without you but not with you though … before eventually coming back, looking behind the mirror … to see if you’ll be there.

“i reached for you but you were gone
i knew i had to get back home
you search the world for something else
that makes you feel like what we had
and in the end in wonderland we both got mad”