… if i knew i only had one more year to live? a few days ago, while lying in the garden, enjoying the sun & my durian-filled belly, this question has crossed my mind. of course i will go on living for many many years … but … well, you know. i am dreaming, making plans, i know i want to change & what i want to do … and though seem to stick to my present life.

everything in life should feel easy, effortless. otherwise something goes wrong. & for me, obviously something is going wrong!

do you know the story about the traveller, going by train, sitting there moaning more & more desperately at every station – because his train is heading for the wrong direction. not being able to get off & change … although knowing what to do.

yesterday, a friend showed a yoga book to me, describing three live cycles, the cycles of our development:

• the cycle of life energy, lasting 18 years, checking our physical health & vitality;
• the cycle of intelligence, 11 years: how does our intelligence affect our actions?
• the cycle of awareness: how do we understand things, what are our priorities? this one has a length of 7 years.

there are phases of transition when all cycles appear within a few years. within these phases of transition, our awareness, values, intelligence, possibilities to act, energy level & relationships change to form a new world. these phases (crises … ) present a lot of challenges we need for our development & growth. they require special efforts, work, to live through them with integrity and balance.

i am in the middle of such a phase of transition, for two years now … which exactly meets my experiences within the last two years! it took me so much energy just to get along with my life, keep myself in balance. yes, i have seen some progress in my “inner world”, but was always worrying about not being able to move forward with our “outer concerns”. asking myself what the hell is wrong with me. what a relief to have found this explanation!

these new insights furthermore actually help me to get ahead with my inner chaos … i am just about to cut some more knots & it feels so good!

isn’t it great to find helpful input whenever we are in need for it!?!

… if i were brave

what would i do if i knew that i could not fail
if i believed that the wind always fill up my sail
how far would i go
what could i achieve
trusting the hero in me.

what step would i take today if i were brave?!?

the past week: community. sun. fresh air. on the road. insights. lots of inspiration. dirty feet. borrowed clothes. serendipity. again becoming aware of how life is meant to be: living in a community, living outdoor, living in a warm & sunny climate.

i am just back from wonderful (holi)days – camping at the baltic sea, with some friends, enjoying the sun, being outdoor all day, with lots of fun & exercise. & after that visiting friends in the black forest, rainy & cold, but filled with talks, fun, inspiration.

back home now, with clean feet , washing on the line, sitting at my macbook again, i am filled with gratitude, warmth, love, happiness! wonderful life!

… talking to friends & acquaintances from school or university (today: an ex-fellow student i had not met for about 10 years) is as easy as if we’d have met yesterday … there are people who think a “hello-kitty-muffin mix” fit for vegans & rawfoodists … they also had apples, peaches, blueberries, melon, salad for us – thank you! … first time cycling in tandem. on the second seat. with a bike trailer for the kids. downhill. not seeing where we go & not being able to control our way or our speed. what a challenge!

i have celebrated my birthday a few days ago … well, actually i am still celebrating
such gorgeous days with lots of great surprises! a wonderful party, a gift coupon for my favourite delicious fruits, calls, mails & letters. i am so grateful for all of these!

today i found this beautiful present in my postbox:

gorgeous. & exactly what i need!

“It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.”

by oriah mountain dreamer

“have you felt gratitude for nature today? you would not be alive today or any day if it were not for nature giving to you unceasingly. nature is giving you an unlimited source of air so you can breathe, it is producing enough water for an entire planet’s needs to keep you alive, and without the life-producing forces that the sun gives none of us could exist.
now that is pure giving! how could anyone believe that they are not loved?”

from TheSecret’s Daily Inspirations

strawberries

chocolate mint

cherries

tomatoes

furthermore, there are red currants and gooseberries in our garden, and we have sowed spinachi & field salad.

i was aware of what i had been missing during the last 6 or 7 months – sun! but now i actually realize HOW strongly i crave it. it’s totally impossible for me these days to stay indoor, sit in the office or anything like this. i spend as much time outdoor as possible – enjoying the sun, the warmth, the lightness, the greens. working in the garden, going for walks, cycling, playing, having all our meals as picnic, reading, and, last not least, just lying in the sun, re-energizing. this is how life is meant to be! so grateful to be alive!

i had fun making this as a small present for my daughter’s friend:

doffyfee, sesame candies, various chocolate candies