Monthly Archives: January 2012

goodbyes

only 3 and a half weeks until he will leave. “my” son. only a few months ago i wanted him to start into his own life. now … i will miss him! remembering the tears i cried when at the age of almost 7 he spent the first weekend without me … (some weeks later i had learned to appreciate these weekends-with-dad, appreciated the freedom i had won.)

i have just read through my last year’s posts. the days & weeks before we left germany. remembering the basics: a place to sleep, fruit to eat, internet connection. & the three of us together. … from now on it will only be the two of us. for sure he will still be an important part of our familiy, of my life. only about 4,000 km away …

well. the two of us will go on travelling together … looking forward to our next house move in a few weeks. gratefully saying good-bye to this comfortable apartment, our home for the last 10 months. looking for new experiences. going on looking for our community. going on travelling.

dreams

talking to a friend about our car & the neverending story of having it registered here, he said that it’s worth the effort because afterwards it will run here for 10 more years … & i realized (again) that i don’t see myself staying here for 10 more years.

actually i am just thinking about spending part of the year here, another part in germany & travelling in between .. summer in germany, autumn in tenerife, winter in the tropics …

bittersweet …

“If you spend a few days with me, you may experience my sadness and even my anger.” ~ His Holiness the Dalai Lama

somehow it gives me comfort to read these words. even he is experiencing “negative” emotions. so it’s not only me not being “perfect” enough. … oh no, i appreciate all my emotions. but during the last years i so much tried to think & feel positive, believing in my ability to design my life, my experiences, that way. the law of attraction and so on. sometimes it seemed to work. sometimes it didn’t.

anyway, it is not possible to just put a smiley-sticker on something you don’t want the way it is. this won’t change anything. far from it, things are likely to become worse.

life is joy. but there are times when it is hard to enjoy the challenges. times not that easy & effortless. it’s similar to food: i don’t only like the sweet things. without a taste of bitterness now & then something is missing.

these days i feel sad. bored. restless. depressed. lonely. LONELY. looking at these feelings, remembering them from the last winters. obviously, it’s not only due to darkness & chilliness (but they made it worse!). & also not only due to my current situation … although this is the reason for a big part of my loneliness.

life is about using the whole box of crayons. within the last days i realized there are some colors missing in my last years’ paintings. still thinking about when, how, why i have lost them. wondering what to do to get them back!

bear mom & son

was sich so getan hat im letzten jahr: he now is much more open minded. liebevoll, hilfsbereit war er schon immer, tritt jetzt endlich wieder mehr zutage. offene augen, sieht & fühlt & kümmert sich. has not learned spanish though but found a way to get along here. and within the last weeks he has indeed started, very slightly, to communicate with people here. he does not ignore them, tries to understand, understands (instinctively) & tries to act appropriately (even if he does not talk).

he is now ready to leave me, to take his next steps on his own. he will go back to germany. going to live with his father – for some time, trying it. thinks about graduating.

ich freue mich für ihn, bin auch bereit ihn ziehen zu lassen. god, i will miss him! hoffe, dass er bei seinem vater den raum haben wird, den er für seine weitere entwicklung braucht. vertraue ihm, dass er – mal wieder – für sich richtig entscheidet. und schließlich : er will wirklich gehen, fühlt sich nicht rausgedrängt durch meine pläne & weiss, dass er jederzeit zurückkommen kann!

Wenn

Wenn du den Kopf behältst und alle anderen
verlieren ihn und sagen: Du bist schuld!
Wenn keiner dir mehr glaubt, nur du vertraust dir
und du erträgst ihr Misstrauen in Geduld.

Und wenn du warten kannst und wirst nicht müde
und die dich hassen dennoch weiter liebst,
die dich belügen strafst du nicht mit Lüge
und dich trotz Weisheit nicht zu weise gibst.

Wenn du dich nicht verlierst in deinen Träumen
und du nicht ziellos wirst in deinem Geist
wenn du Triumph und Niederlage hinnimmst,
beide Betrüger gleich willkommen heißt.

Wenn du die Worte die du mal gesprochen
aus Narrenmäulern umgedreht vernimmst
und siehst dein Lebenswerk vor dir zerbrochen
und niederkniest, wenn du es neu beginnst.

Setzt du deinen Gewinn auf eine Karte
und bist nicht traurig, wenn du ihn verlierst
und du beginnst noch einmal ganz von vorne
und sagst kein Wort was du dabei riskierst.

Wenn du dein Herz bezwingst und alle Sinne
nur das zu tun was du von dir verlangst
auch wenn du glaubst es gibt nicht mehr da drinnen
außer dem Willen der dir sagt: Du kannst!.

Wenn dich die Menge liebt und du noch du bleibst
wenn du den König und den Bettler ehrst
wenn dich nicht Feind noch Freund verletzen können
und du die Hilfe niemanden verwehrst.

Wenn du in unverzeihlicher Minute
Sechzig Sekunden lang verzeihen kannst:
Dein ist die Welt – und alles was darin ist
Und was noch mehr ist – dann bist du ein Mensch!

Rudyard Kipling

if not now

met a german woman last sunday who told me about her reason for coming to this island 4 yrs ago. her friend suffered a stroke in her mid-30s. which reminded her insistently to live her dreams NOW. & so she did! if not now then when.

so … let’s go on!