do i love to be lonely???

for years now i have been yearning for a community, a small village or something with likeminded people, with friends, with love.

instead of getting closer to this dream it seems as if i am getting farer away from it. the most important people in my life are scattered to the four winds, a far cry from us. our small family became even smaller since the son left one year ago. i met & got to know a lot of people within the last two years, here on the island & in the internet, but in spite of feeling connected for a short time most of them vanished again.

i do appreciate the flow of life, the changes … but wonder why i don’t seem to be able to manifest a change in this regard of my life.

could it be … do i love to be lonely? am i cheating myself? maybe i don’t really want a community? and a partner??? yes, there is fear, but even more yearning. and courage. yes, the last guy i ran into who told me he was in love with me … he really chilled me by making plans for a living together before i even found out if i was in love (well, maybe he would not have chilled me if i would have been … 😉 )