“If you spend a few days with me, you may experience my sadness and even my anger.” ~ His Holiness the Dalai Lama

somehow it gives me comfort to read these words. even he is experiencing “negative” emotions. so it’s not only me not being “perfect” enough. … oh no, i appreciate all my emotions. but during the last years i so much tried to think & feel positive, believing in my ability to design my life, my experiences, that way. the law of attraction and so on. sometimes it seemed to work. sometimes it didn’t.

anyway, it is not possible to just put a smiley-sticker on something you don’t want the way it is. this won’t change anything. far from it, things are likely to become worse.

life is joy. but there are times when it is hard to enjoy the challenges. times not that easy & effortless. it’s similar to food: i don’t only like the sweet things. without a taste of bitterness now & then something is missing.

these days i feel sad. bored. restless. depressed. lonely. LONELY. looking at these feelings, remembering them from the last winters. obviously, it’s not only due to darkness & chilliness (but they made it worse!). & also not only due to my current situation … although this is the reason for a big part of my loneliness.

life is about using the whole box of crayons. within the last days i realized there are some colors missing in my last years’ paintings. still thinking about when, how, why i have lost them. wondering what to do to get them back!

das limbische system unterscheidet nicht zwischen vergangenheit, gegenwart und zukunft

Aufflackernde Gefühle und Verlangen werden … betäubt. Ungelebte Träume und erfrorene Tränen werden zu Süchten, die wir kaum als solche wahrnehmen – schließlich sind sie meist nicht stofflicher oder zumindest legaler Natur. Gemeinsam ist diesem Verhalten eins: die Verleugnung unser selbst und unserer wahren Gefühle.

Zu lieben ist nicht bequem. Nichts macht uns verletzlicher, nichts macht uns stärker. Die Liebe konfrontiert uns mit unseren tiefsten Sehnsüchten, Ängsten, den dunkelsten Mächten in uns und den hellsten.

… i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years had gone by
…
once upon a time i was falling in love, now i’m only falling apart
once upon a time there was light in my life
now there’s only love in the dark
nothing i can say
total eclipse of the heart

Soy 100% responsable de todas mis experiencias. Con cada liberación de dolor me acerca mas a mi esencia, mi verdadero ser. Cuesta, a veces me cuesta mucho! Pero cada día me siento mejor, amandome mas a mi, a otras y al mundo. Gracias, gracias, gracias

eine riesige welle, überwältigend. tränen. einsamkeit. laufen laufen laufen. nicht stehen bleiben können. irgendwie heim, kinder versorgen, lieb-los. wärme suchend. allein. malen malen MALEN. nicht aufhören können …

sounds so much more positive that way, doesn’t it? well, i don’t know if it is about forgetting. but for finding my true self, dormant somewhere. which could possibily involve losing what i have, what i think i am. makes me curious

Daniel Mackler writes about the risks of emotional healing that it also bears the risk of pain. feeling lots of long time denied feelings … i guess that’s where i am right now. just feeling. not analysing or something. recognizing what i have done for years to suppress them. yes it is painful. but liberating. as i wrote a few days ago: i do enjoy it!

When your emotions are not expressed, acknowledged or observed they remain trapped in your body.
By expressing your feelings from your heart the weight of them falls away.

John and Collette Whiteman

as i have written yesterday i enjoy quite intensive emotions these days. the kids do so as well. and all the three of us do quite well in expressing our emotions … regardless of the consequences …

survived another new moon. since i am here on tenerife i seem to become even more sensitive to the moon. & to everything else …
is it due to the situation, that i left such a big part of my life behind to go on living in a different world? i don’t know. & i don’t really care. it is as it is. & i somehow like it. getting closer to who i am. although this emotional rollercoaster is a bit exhausting. every little something gets under my skin. yesterday i teared up watching “bullerbü” with my daughter … on the other hand simple things like looking up to the sky make my heart dance with joy.