still feeling stuck and lost. looking for a way out.
just read a post from freelee, remembering
people me to get out of my comfort zones. before it will kill me, my spirit, my potential.
and i got a wonderful book as a new year’s present: art saves. starting with what i am looking for: “even when we feel totally lost, we can find our way back through the creative process … show your soul that you are listening. create what you seek but can not find.”
yes, nothing really new. i know i need to be creative to nourish my soul. making things is making me happy. and i know i feel better if i move my body. and if i don’t hide from the world.
i yet left my comfort zone, so often, in so many ways … but still am stuck in it in too many ways. living too much in the internet, hiding myself from the real world. not moving enough at all. started making art and crafting again 2 months ago but did not get into the flow. maybe i should put it up on the top of my priority list?!?
furthermore, i am worrying about the mondenkind, also hiding herself & not feeling as happy as she’s meant to be.
so maybe this is a good day to make a new year’s resolution. and to put it into practice!
MOVE! GO OUT! TALK TO PEOPLE! and, first of all: MAKE ART!
everything else i want to do this year, things i wrote as my wishes at new year’s eve, will find it’s way to me then, i am sure!
and … if you are reading this: i would much appreciate any help, support, inspiration!
our experience of the outer world is nothing but a reflection of what is inside of us. our inner world. however we experience what is happening “outside” … is determined by our inner world.
lately, “meeting” a woman in the web who gave birth to a baby whom she knew months before to be too ill to live more than a few minutes or hours … i felt for her, but at the same time thought that something like this happening to me could be the chance to experience another pregnancy and birth (which i would love to do) without being tied, without having to care for my (not-so-)little ones for another 16 or so years.
by no means i want to miss the children in my life and being tied really is not the most important characteristic of our relationship … but i obviously do miss more freedom for myself.
there are no “bad” feelings or “bad” thoughts … i know … but somehow … ?!?!??
Manchmal scheint es einfacher zu sein,
Menschen aus unserem Leben zu entlassen,
als Vorstellungen aus unserem Kopf zu verbannen.
Denn es ist leichter, das Zimmer unserer Begrenzungen zu bewohnen,
als den Palast unserer Möglichkeiten zu erforschen.
Den Spatz in der Hand zu füttern,
als zur Taube aufs Dach zu klettern.
Der Vergangenheit ein Denkmal zu setzen,
als der Zukunft Flügel zu verleihen.
Und mit den Gedanken Achterbahn zu fahren,
als den Gefühlen freien Lauf zu lassen.
Doch wenn wir uns den Kopf zerbrechen,
zerbricht auch unser Herz.
von Andrea Gegner
“If you spend a few days with me, you may experience my sadness and even my anger.” ~ His Holiness the Dalai Lama
somehow it gives me comfort to read these words. even he is experiencing “negative” emotions. so it’s not only me not being “perfect” enough. … oh no, i appreciate all my emotions. but during the last years i so much tried to think & feel positive, believing in my ability to design my life, my experiences, that way. the law of attraction and so on. sometimes it seemed to work. sometimes it didn’t.
anyway, it is not possible to just put a smiley-sticker on something you don’t want the way it is. this won’t change anything. far from it, things are likely to become worse.
life is joy. but there are times when it is hard to enjoy the challenges. times not that easy & effortless. it’s similar to food: i don’t only like the sweet things. without a taste of bitterness now & then something is missing.
these days i feel sad. bored. restless. depressed. lonely. LONELY. looking at these feelings, remembering them from the last winters. obviously, it’s not only due to darkness & chilliness (but they made it worse!). & also not only due to my current situation … although this is the reason for a big part of my loneliness.
life is about using the whole box of crayons. within the last days i realized there are some colors missing in my last years’ paintings. still thinking about when, how, why i have lost them. wondering what to do to get them back!
Aufflackernde Gefühle und Verlangen werden … betäubt. Ungelebte Träume und erfrorene Tränen werden zu Süchten, die wir kaum als solche wahrnehmen – schließlich sind sie meist nicht stofflicher oder zumindest legaler Natur. Gemeinsam ist diesem Verhalten eins: die Verleugnung unser selbst und unserer wahren Gefühle.
Zu lieben ist nicht bequem. Nichts macht uns verletzlicher, nichts macht uns stärker. Die Liebe konfrontiert uns mit unseren tiefsten Sehnsüchten, Ängsten, den dunkelsten Mächten in uns und den hellsten.
… i get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years had gone by
once upon a time i was falling in love, now i’m only falling apart
once upon a time there was light in my life
now there’s only love in the dark
nothing i can say
total eclipse of the heart
Soy 100% responsable de todas mis experiencias. Con cada liberación de dolor me acerca mas a mi esencia, mi verdadero ser. Cuesta, a veces me cuesta mucho! Pero cada día me siento mejor, amandome mas a mi, a otras y al mundo. Gracias, gracias, gracias
eine riesige welle, überwältigend. tränen. einsamkeit. laufen laufen laufen. nicht stehen bleiben können. irgendwie heim, kinder versorgen, lieb-los. wärme suchend. allein. malen malen MALEN. nicht aufhören können …
sounds so much more positive that way, doesn’t it? well, i don’t know if it is about forgetting. but for finding my true self, dormant somewhere. which could possibily involve losing what i have, what i think i am. makes me curious 🙂
Daniel Mackler writes about the risks of emotional healing that it also bears the risk of pain. feeling lots of long time denied feelings … i guess that’s where i am right now. just feeling. not analysing or something. recognizing what i have done for years to suppress them. yes it is painful. but liberating. as i wrote a few days ago: i do enjoy it!